I have been watching Cory Katuna’s new podcast “Perspective.” Her 4th episode is the most relevant to my journey yet. I’ve included it at the bottom of this post.

Cory is one of the clearest, wisest woman that’s ever come into my field. I found out about her as she joined Bentinho Massaro’s team. I used to follow Bentinho’s teachings, and although they helped and planted seeds, I really wasn’t “ready” for them. Cory was a bit of an “access in,” or so it occurred to me, so I had some coaching with her on and off over the years. But I also wasn’t “ready” for her coaching either. Although I intellectually “got” what she was saying, and deeply resonated, and it lit me up momentarily, I was waaaay too stuck in attachment to my human personality and what it wanted to get much transformation.

Really, the teachings simply helped me keep my head above water and survive the human experience. For that I am grateful. And for the seeds they planted, I am also grateful.

Although I’ve always had the seeking urge, most of my human existence I have not had a heart full of love, radiating that out to my other selves. Despite many times of accessing this state, I would get pulled into the temptation of anger and blame and fear and ego, small-self “taking” energies.

And all this is ok. In fact, it’s completely perfect and beautiful. As I consolidate the state of being more of a “giving” rather than “taking” being, I see that my life is the perfect opportunity to help others like myself that WANT to get out of the smaller self state but keep turning back to the addiction of personality. I get it. I’ve not mastered it, but we can walk the journey together. And supporting others also supports me to more frequently anchor in love.

I get how the ego actually makes one believe that something will be lost if the personality is let go of and one aligns with the higher self. Hilarious even as I glimpse the experience of more effortlessly being aligned, more often.

It was our trip to Thailand that had me cutting the cr*p (finally hehe) and committing fully to this path. It was a wonderful trip with my son. Yet what I got from it is that I no longer get anything out of purely engaging in things for the separate personality self. It was beautiful connecting with my son, but I do that every day anyway. It felt like it took us both away from what we’re committed to creating. Yet, I decided to fully “have” the experience, as we were there. And in its way, of course, it was EXACTLY what I needed. As I saw that I’m only fulfilled when I’m engaging in thoughts, actions or stillness in order to amplify the love within and to support others to do the same. Riding around a scooter, visiting beautiful beaches in Koh Tao felt empty. There’s nothing wrong with that, but it’s not what I’m here for.

I was also seeing that being in Landmark’s leadership program was challenging me more than I was ready for. Landmark’s curriculum has really made the difference when it has come to a real state change for me. I highly recommend Landmark and I stand by what they offer and pretty much everyone I know would benefit from their curriculum. Their programs are accessed by being invited by a friend and I’ve invited many and will continue to do so. And I will also continue participating in their programs and may, one day, attempt their leadership program again.

However, in Thailand, I was starting to “crave” Bentinho’s (and Cory’s) teachings and community that I let go of a few years ago. All these things that I didn’t get, and these blind spots that I couldn’t see within myself (until Landmark), were showing me that NOW their teachings, along with Landmarks programs, would make a real difference to me making a real difference AND to me living my calling (people discovering the ever-present love that’s always, already here).

In the past I identified with “the hippie part in me”, which still had lingering judgments about things like makeup and manicured nails and polished beauty. There was a part of me that only wanted to be coached by someone who looked and lived more like me; no make-up, no hair-dye (grey hair), but naturally beautiful in an earthy, no-fuss way. This was slowly shifting and then dissolved with Landmark’s curriculum. I’m no longer attached to my form or image. With the desire to support all of us to remember who we are, I choose to show up in whatever way will powerfully support this commitment.

During the Landmark trainings we learn about taking responsibility when we break our word, and I knew I wanted to eventually get in touch with Cory and acknowledge how out of integrity I’d been with her and her business partner. About 3 years ago, I dropped out of their 6-month women’s mentorship without communication and had also not paid the membership fee as per our agreement. I’d justified it by saying that it wasn’t for me, and that I wasn’t up to their standard. And they’d be fine without the money. Total lack of self-responsibility. Not to make that previous version of my personality “wrong,” just to acknowledge what was so.

From Consuming to Communion

In the past, Cory had coached me around my weakness: men. While I was in Thailand, I had a sleepless night where old patterns resurfaced; those familiar triggers around men that used to consume me. But this time, something was different. I transmuted it quickly and powerfully within myself. In the past, I was deeply entangled in addiction to male attention and the fantasy of being chosen. Yet here I was, after only a few hours, totally at peace knowing that a lover I was deeply connected with, was spending the night with another woman, and one of my closest friends at that. I wasn’t spiralling (or not for long). I returned swiftly to stillness, clarity, and love. In that moment, I realised: I’m ready. I’ve come a long way. This shift from seeking to sovereignty is something I now feel deeply called to share.

That night, I knew that Cory was my next-level coach, even though she’s coached me before. At the very least, I knew I needed to take responsibility for the past and check whether she felt inspired to work with me again. If not, I trusted another coach would appear. I now see that if we truly want to make a difference, a coach is essential; to help us stay aligned to service and accountable when we slip back into old patterns. And part of what I feel called to offer is coaching others in returning to self-love and transforming their relationships, especially with their children. These are the themes of my life. My unique gifts. So if I’m going to coach, I definitely need to be coached.

That same lover has now left the country with no plans to return anytime soon. His departure revealed something I hadn’t fully admitted: I was still seeking oneness through him; through the intoxication of our connection, rather than anchoring into my own sovereignty and dissolving into oneness from within. There was still a subtle clinging to the illusion of a separate “other” as the gateway to bliss. But true wholeness doesn’t come from outside ourselves. There is no outside. It’s all one. You can’t add to wholeness. And now that I’m embodying this more deeply, it’s been a profound breakthrough. I no longer crave connection just for the sake of physical closeness, not even cuddles. If a cuddle is there, I can enjoy it if I choose. If sex is there, I enjoy it if I choose. As I feel more and more filled from within, blissful for no reason, there’s nothing I need to get. And that changes everything.

I’ll share more about this soon, but it feels relevant to mention that, for the first time in a long while, I also have what most would consider a partner (that I live with). It’s been unfolding in a very different way than any dynamic I’ve experienced before, rooted less in needing and more in practicality, freedom, and learning.

He is a mirror for all the parts in me that are not love; like blaming, judging, and making wrong. This brings me to name some more shadows, because I’m committed to no longer letting them run the show, and to offering this as a permission slip for others to get honest with their own. I’m also committed to awakening over comfort. One is projecting that others don’t like me or are being mean, which often mirrors the harshness I can direct inward, or sometimes outward. In response, I tend to shut down my heart, preemptively closing off to avoid potential rejection. I’ve done this in the past, including when I left the women’s mentorship with Cory, I convinced myself I wasn’t good enough, and instead of communicating honestly, I hid. Hiding is another shadow of mine. Rather than speaking up, I sometimes disappear.

One of my shadows is only ever “just” having enough money. It’s a pattern I’d really like to shift. As part of my stand to deepen my commitment to remembering who I am, I’m noticing that when my why for money is rooted in service to others, it flows in with abundance. And then, bam, the ego gets scared. It finds ways to spend it, block it, or sabotage the flow altogether, just to (ironically) feel safe and stay small.

Anyway, Cory agreed to coach me again, as long as I paid for the package up front (although she’s now said we can get started yay!). At this stage, I’m halfway through paying it off. I’ll still participate in Landmark’s courses from time to time, with the Communication Course coming up in July, which I know will be another game changer. And I’ve just rejoined Bentinho’s Adept Training after more than three years away. I’m super excited. I feel like I’m working with the best tools on the planet to support me in letting go of living for a separate “me” and instead, living as One.

Touching back on the money piece: I recently (randomly or synchronistically, depending how you see it) came across a woman named Alex Tripod. She’s a manifestation coach who shares loads of free and low-cost content, alongside her high-ticket offerings. She talks about aligning with service, getting clear on the why behind your financial desires, and ultimately recognizing that what we’re really trying to manifest through “stuff” is just the feeling of love.

That part I already knew but to hear her speak it gave her merit in my eyes. 20 years of soaking up just about every spiritual teaching under the sun has made that clear that what we want is because we think that we will feel good in the having of it. And I’ve experienced massive up-levels around being love. But there’s still a huge block when it comes to money. I can feel it and my bank account shows it. It needs to be transformed. Not for the sake of wealth itself, but because the stuck-ness is stopping the full flow of love. So for now, Alex is another support in my “support myself to support the world” tool belt.

I also want to name ISTA (the International School of Temple Arts) here. I did their Level 1 training in November 2023, and it was instrumental in my transformation. It’s another modality I recommend, especially for the somewhat self-responsible seeker on the path of transformation. Towards the end of that training, I felt such profound love and connection with the whole group. I experienced what it was like to rest in unity. But as I left, I saw how absent that feeling had been in my daily life. And I committed to changing that. Not by going to more trainings, but by shifting how I relate to myself and others in the everyday.

It’s funny. Three out of four of the most transformational containers I’ve been part of are also pretty controversial in the media. Of course, no system or person is perfect, mistakes happen, but I find it fascinating how quick some people are to cancel, call out, or condemn, without looking within. To a discerning eye, those accusations usually say more about the accuser. What also fascinates me is how readily people believe those accusations. On one hand, it’s a shame, because it might stop them from experiencing real transformation. On the other hand, maybe it’s the perfect filter. Maybe it’s a way to naturally weed out those who are still determined to cling to victimhood, ego, and separation.

It’s ironic as I’m aware that all these words, this story, is coming from ego. The paradox of wanting to support myself and others to remember who we truly are, whilst using words. Let’s “use” the words, then let them go and breathe into that which exists before the words.

Anyways, simply in the committing to coaching with Cory, I am living into that future, and there have been SO many shifts into deeper alignment with the higher self and it’s felt more noticeable when I’m coming from ego.

When the Call Becomes Louder Than the Fear

Lately, I’ve immersed myself almost exclusively in dialogue and content focused on transformation and awakening. Though I’ll be honest: last week, I abandoned that standard. I chose comfort, connection, and the familiar over my commitment. I take full responsibility and I’ve since re-anchored in my devotion to engaging only in conversations and content that serve transformation.

I I’ve even started using the word awakening again, a word I previously ditched because it felt bypassy and a bit vomit-worthy. For a while, I explored somatics, sexuality-based transformation (and I still work in the field of sexuality), and shadow work through various modalities, including ISTA. That path taught me a lot. It was probably a necessary chapter, one I’d still recommend, and will likely return to from time to time. But it’s not what lights me up right now.

My experience is that embodiment and sexuality practices can take us far… but only up to a point. I’ve reached incredible states of bliss and transcendence through the body, but nothing compares to what I’ve glimpsed when I’ve gone beyond identifying with the body entirely. Awakening is about transforming one’s state, not bypassing the human experience. Of course, discernment is essential. We must be willing to feel, to be with what’s here, to not skip the human parts. Just yesterday reminded me of that. I wasn’t able to access a state change, and what supported me most was being with all my parts, not trying to transcend them.

Okay, that brings me to one more powerful tool I use: parts work, or Internal Family Systems (IFS). I had coaching last year with one of the incredible ISTA facilitators, Caitlyn Cook, and it was a game changer. During that time, I learned how to use the modality on myself, somewhat effectively, even without a coach.

I mention all of these tools because they’re what support me. My intention is to support us all to walk together in transformation and awakening. There are many paths that lead home. My journey might one day become a tool in someone else’s tool belt, just as so many others have been tools in mine. That’s why I’m no longer hiding, playing small, or staying silent.

Another reason I let go of talking about awakening for a while was because I had this story that I’d lose my friends. I was still caught in the personality’s smaller desires; seeking approval, connection, belonging… rather than being devoted to global transformation. And I still love my friends. But I’m okay now if some of them no longer want to walk with me. Because finally, staying small and quiet feels worse than the risk of being misunderstood or left out.

So anyways, circling back to the start of my post. Cory’s podcast on “Why Safe Spaces Aren’t Safe” felt really relevant to what I’m witnessing globally and personally. An increased expectation that “others” provide us with safety. There’s a few layers here. Firstly, the human body is never really safe. We can die at any time. So, in some ways, we are never safe. The other piece is that just like love, safety can only truly be found from within, and given to ourselves. If you are hitting me, I will keep myself safe, and leave. If I do not leave, if I choose to stay, I will not shun responsibility and place blame and say that you are an abuser. That may be so, but that is not my business. My business is to be self-responsible. If I see you as an abuser, then how am I an abuser? Did I abuse myself for staying around someone who hits me? Yes, I did. All hypothetical but you get the point of where I strive to come from in life.

Well, Cory is way more in depth and succinct in her exploration of this, so I urge all to watch it. She points to safe friendships being those where each person errs on the side of self-responsibility and I want everybody to watch this as I feel like if we could just get this and choose self-responsibility over blame and reactivity, that would transform the world. Although she’s exploring as she talks, and she’s just suggesting that it is responsibility that is the basis of safety in friendships. However, my stance in this moment is strong, I totally see this is my experience. Although I absolutely don’t agree with her that responsibility doesn’t sound very sexy haha and will gladly stand by my perspective here that self-responsibility is sexy as fck. The sexiest thing actually. I also see that up until recently, I wasn’t a safe space. I didn’t take 100% responsibility. I’m committed to this now and I’m committed to acknowledging when I fck up, as I will.

And as I mentioned in my last post, I’m committed to sharing transparently as I transform my shadows. So I’ll start with this: this morning I woke up feeling self-doubt. I’d poured hours into my last post. I cried. I felt this deep resonance that I was sharing from contribution. And then… I noticed hardly anyone had liked it (though thank you to the few who did!).

In the past, that would’ve stopped me. But not anymore. I’m committed. And I also see this as a “test.” Where am I coming from? Am I sharing from a place of deep, inspired soul truth? If so, likes don’t matter. As soon as I coached myself through it, I felt my power return. My conviction. My commitment to global transformation. This isn’t about validation. My inner knowing is validation enough.

I also saw a practical learning. Maybe I should’ve mentioned that the caption contained a deeper share, as many people don’t read them. Lesson for next time. AND on a deeper level, I trust that those in resonance will find it. This was actually great practice. My perfectionist part (already challenged by the imperfection of my social sharing) had another opportunity to be seen, held, and lovingly dissolved into the truth: that part is not me, because it’s not love.

Alex Tripod’s journey has helped here too. Seeing how she started imperfectly and her business still exploded. I believe that’s due to a few things: her authentic imperfection, her willingness to make mistakes, her commitment to show up, her conviction to share her mission (raising the vibration of humanity), and her devotion to state transformation.

And I know I didn’t post a trend. I didn’t post a dopamine hit. I posted a call for frequency recalibration. And that’s not what a scroll-hungry culture conditioned to reward performance over depth is usually looking for.

So, here I am, continuing to show up in my truth. Committed to the long haul. This is what I am here for. And now I am excited to face all the ego’s little stuff that used to stop me.

From Smaller-Self Seeking to Higher-Self Service

Another part of Cory’s podcast that landed deeply for me was her exploration of how often people misread intentions and project their unhealed pain onto others. She names how Bentinho and the team have, at times, been falsely accused or labelled as a “cult,” which I touched on earlier. I remember clearly when (to my awareness) the first major smear campaign happened. I was actually at the workshop it stemmed from.

The event itself was incredible. Powerful and expansive. But I was still deeply stuck in attachment to form and in my own suffering, so I wasn’t able to fully integrate the teachings at the time. What shocked me most wasn’t my own disconnection, it was seeing someone who’d also attended go online and spread a highly distorted, malicious narrative.

It was a moment of confrontation: how could someone twist and pervert something so pure, so devoted to liberation, in a way that actively tried to sabotage it? I felt the heartbreak and the rage. It was painful to watch someone’s self-serving agenda interfere with a path that could genuinely support so many people.

And yes, I know even that judgment arises from ego. The desire to defend, correct, make wrong. But I also see clearly that this kind of projection and takedown culture doesn’t come from love. And it doesn’t serve collective awakening. In fact, it gets in the way of people being able to discern when there is something truly dangerous unfolding. It’s like the boy who cried wolf.

The antidote, as always, is self-responsibility. Finding love and safety within. When we live from that place, we are not vulnerable to cults, or to the illusion that something outside us is ever the real enemy. Oooooh. Goosebumps as those words are typed.

Here feels like the perfect moment to acknowledge that during my earlier involvement with Bentinho’s trainings, I was operating from a “taking” energy. I was somewhat aware of this at the time, but I wasn’t yet able to transform it. On the surface, I told myself I was there to be of service, and a part of me genuinely was, but underneath, I was still stuck in my own mental suffering.

Suffering, which I now fully get, I was creating for myself. No one was harming me; I was harming myself with my thoughts and old emotional patterns. from that place my engagement with the teachings became more about consumption than contribution. I was constantly asking, “How can I feel better?” As if awakening was more about personal relief rather remembering truth.

That was the energy I brought, and I see it clearly now. It feels important to name this, because what’s shifting for me now is a movement from taking to serving. From needing to feel better to a commitment to embodying love. The path is no longer about escape. It’s about living from love.

It’s about showing up, no matter how messy, in devotion to something greater than the individual self. Not to be perfect, not to be seen, but to be used by love, for love. And if this post speaks to you, and you’re willing to take full responsibility for the world that we’re co-creating, then get in touch!