Hi to all the “other selves”.
This one is learning about forgiveness and letting go and letting God, in a whole new way.
Remembering that there is only one, so forgiveness is always self-forgiveness.
And when I say God, I don’t mean the Christian man in the sky. I mean source, spirit, the essence of all.
Coming from the separate, selfish “I want what I want for me” self, I wanted to have a chill New Years.
However, I have also declared that I am choosing to let go of personal stories and desires and come from service to all, so that being said, I got what was “needed” not what was “wanted.”
Even as I type that, I know it’s just a story. It’s all just a story pointing towards truth and the dissolution of the illusion of separation, which are also words that, as soon as they are typed, are simultaneously not truth. Words are of the mind, and the mind is not the truth.
Life put me in a situation that showed the programmed smaller self’s tendency for fear and control. Instead of coming from love, I came from fear and a situation escalated. Love would have de-escalated it.
I’m grateful no one was harmed, and that only a small amount of “property” was damaged.
Throughout the experience I oscillated between witness, asking “What is Me?” and “Who am I?” to give spaciousness to the experience, and the smaller self of fear and attempted control.
In this situation, although I didn’t embody “I am not these thoughts” and “I am not this body,” I was at least intellectually aware of these concepts, even if it wasn’t a felt experience.
I also notice that when there is heightened sensation in the body, such as fear, it appears more real. And I see that this body-mind’s programming tends toward fear more than many, through identification with past experiences and stories.
In the moments I come back to loosening identification with “me” and “this body is me,” I notice that I “need” the appearance of being “alone” to do this quite often.
I also see the possibility of anchoring in this state whilst it occurs that “others” are appearing.
Looking at it from a zoomed-out perspective of knowing that all the darkness is actually still light.
No matter how much I fck up, big or little, I will keep rising and recommitting to purify myself of ego-based distortions of fear and control, and give it to god.
From here, I find myself accepting with gratitude and non-attachment the angels that god puts on my path. I see that god is breathing, god is typing, god is walking.
Knowing that if all is god, then I am god, then I am everything and nothing. From this, responsibility for all facets of creation naturally arises.
I return again to the commitment of living a non-possessive life. This is not “my” life. It’s god’s life.
I can see the difference it would have made in the crisis to have remembered that it is all god. Forgiving myself, “others,” and god. Instead of controlling my vibration, I allow god to uplift my frequency.
This recent situation, although confronting on a human level, served to ground me more deeply in my commitment to continually return to god, to love, to service, no matter how often I forget.
What I’m noticing again is how easy it is to get drawn back into believing the human story, believing I am a separate human self, when things feel good and comfortable for that separate self. When life feels nice, identification creeps back in quietly. And yet, when things don’t feel good, when there is discomfort, fear, or suffering, it feels much easier to want to let go of the story, to loosen identification, and to come from god instead.
Through this, I’m seeing that as long as there is suffering within humanity, I am not actually free. In recognising this, my interest in getting lost in my story naturally falls away, even when it feels good, and there is an ease in letting whatever is resourced here be used in service.
I’m also seeing that while I often speak about being solo, self-sourced, sovereign and free, I had been missing something essential. Yes, I am solo, sovereign and free from wanting or needing anything from other humans, and at the same time totally dependent on god. Surrendered to god. With god.
In forgetting this, I find myself taking on managerial responsibility that was never meant for a small separate self to carry.
When I’m here to serve all of life, my actions in the moment come from:
“What do I need to do for myself right now that has me resourced to be of service?”
This has a completely different vibration than when I’m thinking in a selfish “me, me, me” way, although the actions can often be the same.
The other thing is that a common theme of this one’s life has been feeling “bad” when I have it good and perceived other selves do not.
But when I’m coming from giving life to be of service, there is no feeling bad. There is just the understanding that I’m well-resourced to live from service. Giving my life to realising a humanity that is free of identification with thoughts and stories.
With no attachment to the outcome.
I am committed to keep getting back up, to keep remembering who I am no matter how much I forget, and to keep giving my life to the undoing of separation wherever it appears.
Arika Yaeli 