I was in a leadership program for my personal transformation where the coaching is based around running a community project. This is how “Where Does Love Come From?” which has evolved into “Love Is…” was born.
At the time, I didn’t realise that the version of myself back then wouldn’t be able to organise this event. I didn’t yet have the confidence to take up space in this way. I didn’t yet trust my voice or my ability to lead. I also didn’t realise how much I’d need to face myself. And what I now get is the transformational power of facing my fears and doing it anyway. So many times, I’ve wanted to quit and go back into hiding and playing small, yet I’m so proud of myself, and so grateful to my coaches who see my potential, not my small self, that I’ve stuck it out.
Through this journey, I’ve gained a deep appreciation and respect for those who facilitate events, speak publicly, and put themselves out there on social media. I used to assume that if someone was doing those things, it must be easy for them. Now I see the courage it takes. I remember one particular moment when I was about to post a video about the event, and my whole body was shaking. The fear of being judged, misunderstood, or ignored was so intense that I almost didn’t do it. But I did. And that has made me appreciate every person who shows up despite their fears.
I have seen and sat with the darkest, yuckiest parts of my psyche. I have sat with the atrocities of humanity. I have felt overwhelmed and disempowered. I’ve gone spiralling down until I get bored of the negative headspace, and bored of my own BS, and bored of working on “myself,” and somehow come into deep acceptance of all my imperfections and decided to do it anyway. Then discovering that it’s not about being perfect but about being willing to put oneself to the side for a greater purpose. To put one’s life to the side for a greater purpose. Then to discover that is where the fulfilment lies.
Calling people and speaking with people about my idea for the event—I was completely terrified that I would be seen as annoying and silly. Somewhere way back when, I stopped expressing myself for fear of being annoying or thought of as silly, as a protection method. There are times recently that this fear is so strong that it grips my throat and it feels like I cannot breathe and my stomach contracts and I feel like I want to vomit. Terror races through my body as though I actually might die. In the past, I have NOT pushed through this as I’ve felt it is loving to myself to go gently. There’s no right or wrong in this, but now I see that if I want to transform my experience of myself and life, then I need to have the courage to do things that aren’t actually going to kill me. And the other side of this fear is such an expansive experience of freedom that it’s all worth it.
There has been the fear of f*cking up, the fear of getting it wrong, the fear of letting people down.
Initially, my biggest fear was that people wouldn’t come to our event. Sometimes that pops in again. Then I come back to my commitment and my mission and let go of attachment. This event is not the be-all and end-all but rather the start of me putting my small self aside and stepping up in what I’m inspired to contribute to this shared human experience. And then I am reminded that people are coming and that all of the facilitators see this as an opportunity to come together and have some fun and spread the love and in this, my fears shift, and I look forward to a nurturing, replenishing day with wonderful humans.
Already, what I have gotten from organising the event has transformed my experience of myself and life and amplified the love in my being, so it’s already been in service to Love and to all. The day of the event is like the icing on the healthy cake!
I have huge gratitude for everyone whom I’ve crossed paths with, as everyone has been a part of the magic and the medicine to show me what is not love inside of me.
Becoming self-expressed on social media has been another terrifying piece of this journey. I’ve faced my fears and put out imperfect content. I have been afraid I’ll turn people off the event, yet I’ve done it anyway because I know the overall benefit—for all of us—of me transforming my small self and becoming self-expressed with my burning desire to make a difference in the way we all tap into the love within. I see now that it’s worth the risk of being misunderstood.
A common small-self story is that there are already enough events and facilitators. This can be easy to believe when I hang out in a bubble of facilitators and people up to creating cool stuff in the world. Yet when I go out in the world, outside of my bubble, I realize there is such a need for what we are co-creating. There are so many people who have never experienced a space like this. So I can hear the small self without taking on that story.
I’m so present to the quote, “If not now, when? And if not you, who?” It came to me in my training program and in a sweat lodge I did at the same time, and it has popped in a few times since.
The small self loves the story of “You don’t know what you’re doing, you’re not good enough, leave it to someone better.”
The larger self gets that we are all here with a unique contribution for the world and we know exactly how to do this when we get out of our own way and stop worrying about looking bad. It’s so liberating when I’m so connected to my purpose that I’m fine with being disliked and looking bad.
The small self also loves to freak out about me putting imperfect content out into the world and likes to tell stories that I’m not making a positive impact but just making a fool out of myself. To this, the larger self remembers a teaching that says if you impact just one person positively in your life, then it’s all been worth it.
I’m also wanting to see a world where self-expression on social media is about that—actual self-expression. Not about how to create content that will go viral. Not about following formulas. But about expressing what is alive and inspired. So, it makes sense that I gotta do that if that’s what I want.
So, creating the “Love Is…” event has transformed me, yet, the event we are co-creating still remains exactly what I would love to attend.
An event focused on letting go of the story, meeting ourselves and others in loving presence, being authentic with what we are experiencing in the moment, co-creating an intentional container for love to be present, focusing on ourselves first and then connection with others, being gentle in a way that allows newcomers to the space of authentic relating to push their edges just a little while caring for the nervous system.
Ultimately, it is freeing to hold a bigger perspective—to see “Love Is…” as just the beginning, to be driven by service rather than the need to look good, and to embrace making mistakes as part of learning. If I stay committed to my mission and don’t fall back into fears (as I’ve done in the past), then eventually my message will touch those that are seeking it—until they too can tap into their own love and their own mission. And that’s what this is all for.
Arika Yaeli 